Hockey Twitter has two very distinguishable groups of people, battling over William Nylander’s value on a daily basis. On one hand, you have the cult-like Branch Nylandians, who will never admit to 88 being anything short of the greatest talent in the NHL. According to them, he is certainly better than Mitch “I scored more than 30 pts than you and also play the PK” Marner, right? And on the other side of the aisle, are the people who hate Nylander so much, that if he scored 4 goals they would complain he didn’t get a 5th. Nylander can do no right in their eyes, even when he actually produces. So I’ve gotten out the simulator, and we will see what happens in a NYLANDER WRESTLEMANIA!
Branch Nylandian: Kalem @triggrdLeafsfan
NySlanders: Mike @34_91_16
Match results: After both opponents entered the ring, Kalem’s phone notified him that Toronto Baghead had a new tweet, so he immediately left the ring to go obsessively quote tweet him for a few hours.
Winner: Mike, via countout
Branch Nylandians: Chris Faria @ChrisFariaTO
Nyslanders: JDAVIS @dangerousjd
Match results: A spirited back-and-forth affair, the tables turned for JDavis once Old White Man Hockey @oldwhitemanhoc1 appeared at ringside and tripped Chris Faria up. But Stephen Burtch @steveburtch came down and locked up Old White Man Hockey, giving Faria the chance to use his finishing move, the patented “blind you with my Willy’s possession heat charts”, rendering JDAVIS unable to see for life.
Winner: Chris Faria, via pinfall
Bout 3: Intercontinental Title Match
Branch Nylandians: Rahef Issa @rahef_Issa
Nyslanders: Whiffin it Wide Willy @breakaway23
Match results: This was one of the most anticipated matchups of the night! As soon as the bell rang, it was fists-a-flyin, as it was quite clear there was no love lost between these two! So often, it appeared one had the other ready to submit, only to see a comeback fueled by pure hatred. Just as Whiffin it Wide Willy prepared to unleash his finishing move, The Backcheckbreaker, thousands and thousands of Rahef Issa’s followers poured down the aisle and interfered. At that point in time, the lights went out and Toronto Baghead @Torontobaghead came down from the rafters with a baseball bat. Full pandemonium ensued, before the ref called it.
Result: Double Disqualification, title vacant.
Bout 4: Handicap Match
Branch Nylandians: James Mirtle and Jonas Siegel
Nyslanders: Toronto Baghead @torontobaghead
Match recap: Still in the ring after his involvement in the IC Title matchup, Toronto Baghead awaits for Mirtle and Siegel to arrive for their handicap matchup. When their entrance music begins, a confused Jonas walks to the ring alone. Abandoned by Mirtle, Jonas is speared and the new record for fastest match in NylanderWrestlemania history is recorded at :09 seconds.
Winner: Toronto Baghead
Branch Nylandians: Gud Pro Nylander @mostlyleafies
Nyslanders: NHL Not Trump @trump_NHL
Match recap: A fierce battle ensued, and it appeared as though @mostlyleafies was getting the Donald’s number. The ever quick-witted NHL Trump distracted Dr. @mostlyleafies by politely asking him to summarize his PhD defence. When Mostly Leafies obliged, Trump hit him with a steel chair across the head.
Winner: Mostly Leafies via Disqualification
Bout 6: The Battle of the Buzz
Branch Nylandians: James Tanner @James_Tanner123
Nyslanders: Michael Augello @MikeinBuffalo
Special guest referee: Eklund
Match Results: Nothing creates drama like former tag team partners turned foes! Although the animosity was high, the respect was mutual. One of the best matches of the night, it lasted 49:00. At that point, Tanner’s superior cardio began to give him an edge. Right when it seemed as tho the end was near for Michael Augello, Eklund surprisingly turned on Tanner, and they beat him together until he was incapacitated! Then, to add insult to injury, Mike and Eklund pulled out a table and some microphones, then had a live podcast discussing what the Leafs could get for Nylander in a trade, while Tanner crawled out of the ring.
Winner: *Michael Augello (appeal pending).
Bout 7: MAIN EVENT : Hell in a Barn
Branch Nylandians: Kyle Dubas @kyledubas
Nyslanders: Brian Burke @burkie2020
Match recap: The most anticipated match of the night! The young, and fast Leafs GM pitted against his predecessor, the powerhouse Burkules. The match began as one would expect, with the quicker Dubas sticking to the outside of the ring. At times, as he circled the much larger, angrier Burke, he wagged his finger while taunting him by saying “Im never gonna trade him! Not while Im GM!”. This just angered Burke, and gave him the necessary rage-induced burst of energy to swat at Dubas, knocking his glasses off. Blinded, Dubas began eating numerous Burke shots, and ended up in a bear hug. At that moment, ringside announcer Jim Ross began screaming: OH MY GAWD! THATS FESTIVE STICK’S MUSIC. At that point, @TheOakLeafs entered the barn with a giant tweet of random William Nylander stats carved into stone. Not once, not twice, but three times he hit the giant Burke with it, saving Dubas from sure death.
Winner: Brian Burke, via disqualification
Sorry if I forgot anybody. See you at next year’s Nylander Wrestlemania,
Nicky Pizazz @nickypizazz