Let me start off by saying we don’t like your production. None of us do. Although Maple Leafs fans are famously in a never-ending state of civil war, the one thing we all agree on is how horrible Sportsnet hockey games are. And Hockey Night in Canada? Jesus H Christ! What did you do to my favourite show? I was born and raised on Bob Cole and Harry Neale. Now, you have Jim Hughson openly mocking the Leafs while we are leading a game 5-1. A game where Leafs fans get to finally feel happy this year, after 3 months of turmoil, and you have that smug bastard laughing at us! Are you for real? But this is just one of many reasons your program is, for lack of better words, steaming garbage.

You fire Don Cherry. You fire all the old guard of hockey. Fine. FINE! You get 50% support, and 50% dissent for that move. But I guarantee you the 50% who support the move still thinks your hockey games are dreadful. You have Steve Dangle dressed up in hockey gear in Right Guard ads on my Twitter feed every…damn…day. Fine. FINE! You probably get 50% support and 50% dissent on that one, too. And guess what I’m going to say next? That’s right. The people who like Dangle STILL THINK YOUR HOCKEY GAME COVERAGE IS ATROCIOUS!

Brian Burke is on the air, all the time, still going on about William Nylander. Now I agree with lots of his opinions. But you know who doesn’t? About half of Leafs fans, thats who. Again, you manage to piss us all off collectively, just in different ways. A concept you seemingly have been unable to grasp since Toronto supporters had the absolute misfortune of your landing of the NHL rights. That was a darker day for me, as a Leafs fan, than when we lost McDavid in the draft lottery by 1 number. I’m dead serious. I would trade Matthews for nothing if it meant your company would never broadcast another Leafs game.

And let’s not forget the guy who got this ball rolling: former Prez. Scott Moore. He, for some unknown reason, vanquished Joe Bowen and Jim Ralph to radio. Because why would the biggest fanbase in the NHL want homer announcers? In case you can’t pick up on my sarcasm, you should know I’m laying it on quite thick. I want you to know, if the Leafs do win a Cup, and we have to hear absolute pain in Jim Hughson’s voice, instead of Joe Bowen losing his mind with happiness, we will never forget how you robbed us of that moment being perfect. It will be great, but it won’t be perfect. And for that, you can go to hell.

The one bright spot on this hellish hockey broadcast is Elliotte Friedman. He is one of the best in the business, and universally loved, except in November. That moustache is still haunting my nightmares. Maybe you could take a look at how Friedman is the standard of professionalism, and why he is so beloved. Then, maybe you could duplicate it about 100x. Chris Johnston got game, too.

You’ve just dumped one bad announcer on us after another. Poor Paul Romanuk, god bless him, he never stood a chance. I often think about how you set that man up to fail, by expecting him to fill Joe Bowen’s shoes. I loved how he would mess the names up tho. Me laughing at Sportsnet are my only fond memories of watching the channel.

Note: As I type, St Louis just scored to make the score 5-2, and I can actually hear Jim Hughson’s arousal.

I can’t write to you anymore Sportsnet. It is too infuriating at the moment. And the fact of the matter is, you’re probably going to be bankrupt sooner or later. I take solace in the fact that this (you) won’t last forever. If you ever want to save your failing company, I highly suggest moving Hughson, Bartlett, and Millen far, far away from Maple Leafs duty, and promptly reinstalling Joe Bowen as the rightful voice of Leafs Nation.

Until you figure out how to please your audience, in this case the largest fanbase in the NHL, you are going to keep on losing money and ratings. One final piece of advice: Turn TSN on. Pay attention to how they work for us. Leafs Lunch. Overdrive. First Up. It is all relentless catering to Leafs fans, which is exactly what we deserve. Meanwhile, you have Sid Seixeiro firing shots at us all day, everyday.

And you wonder why you lose money?

Nicky Pizazz

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